Disclosing the Perfect Stranger: A Guide for Egg and Sperm Recipients

One decision that is often overlooked in donor facilitated arrangements is the determination to disclose to future offspring their genetic origins. In the past this was always done anonymously and the secrecy continued over the course of a lifetime. However, recent studies on sharing genetic origins with offspring have proved that disclosure of genetic origin at a young age is healthy in maintaining a strong relationship and bond for all involved parties.

The three main factors that play into disclosure are does the child have an inherent right or need to know biological origins, and what is in their best interests? How disclosure impacts the recipient parents? And finally, when to disclose the information to offspring?

The best interests of child can be argued from both sides, a growing number of mental health professionals agree that a child has a fundamental right to know his biological origins. No one can predict if this medical information may be necessary in the event of a medical emergency or how access to this information may help an individual when he/she is ready to start their own family. It can be argued that this information is fundamental to an individual’s sense of self and personal identity. These values need to be analyzed on an individual basis consistent with thoughts and beliefs of that particular family unit. Maintaining secrecy can be difficult, especially family secrets. If discovered, by accident, the risks of impacting the relationships and family bonds could be jeopardized.

In a study performed by Lycett et al., (2004) the impact of disclosure was analyzed on families willing to share this information with their offspring. Out of 46 donor created offspring, 60% of the families had elected not to disclose genetic origins and the remaining 40% planned to disclose the child’s origins once the child reached adolescence. What was most interesting about this study is that between the two groups there were no differences between the disclosing and non-disclosing fathers. It was the non-disclosing mothers who reported a strain with keeping the secret. Thus, indicating that non disclosure impacts mothers more intensely than it impacts fathers. Many mothers fear the reaction from the child, and are concerned about placing a strain on the parent child bond. The study highlighted that these parental attitudes may in fact impact the parent-child bond as the children get older.

In contrast, a study performed by Van Berkel et al., (2007) in the Netherlands, where non-anonymous donation is standard and the only option available, investigated secrecy in open donation arrangements. Of the participants, the vast majority felt that origins of conception had no influence on their relationship with the child. The mothers did, however, show a greater level of concern about the disclosure plans and how the children would react to the information. Thus emphasizing the fear factor expressed by mothers is in the previous study. However when comparing being required to use open donation vs. anonymous donation, all mothers agreed that the genetic origin did not impact their familial relationships and or bonds with their children. The vast majority of the cases studied in the Netherlands, showed the children regarded the donor as an aunt or special family friend.

Disclosure is not something that occurs one time. Disclosure is a story that evolves over time and through a series of opportunities for parents to come to terms with their decision and to share with offspring the need to use donor gametes as well as the emotional decision that led them to this path. Disclosure involves the need to share that the importance of family and the need to become a family unit. The decision to disclose genetic origin greatly varies from family to family and is often impacted by the specific family unit, their structure and makeup, their religious, social and cultural values.

Finding the perfect stranger is hard work physically, emotionally and often spiritually. But in addition to identifying the perfect candidate, making the decision to disclose the biological connection involves a host of various feelings, emotions and considerations that may influence the type of donor you choose. When considering using a donor, it is important to consider how and if you plan to disclose to your offspring. The type of donor you choose may affect if, but also how and when you choose to disclose to your child their origin of conception since the donor you choose may play into the roles and relationships among parents, children and extended family.

Finally, it is essential to know when to make the decision to disclose genetic origins to offspring. Although there is no one right answer, recent data shows that sharing genetic origins with children at a young age is much preferred to divulging the information in adolescence. A recent study performed by Cambridge University researchers has found that disclosure of donor paternity at an early age lowers the likelihood of negative reactions from the offspring. The study findings published in the recent issue of Human Reproduction provides different perspectives regarding the response of the offspring depending on the age at which their biological origin is disclosed. Traditionally, donor conception has been treated with secrecy. A recent increasing trend towards openness of genetic origin has showed positive impact on children of all ages. In fact, most mental health professionals specializing in collaborative reproduction, encourage parental openness to reveal genetic origins to children as young as three years old. This trend can further be evidenced by the growing number of children books written about donor conception and geared for children between the ages of three and eight years of age.

Vasanti Jadva, from the Faculty of Social and Political Sciences, Centre for Family Research, University of Cambridge, UK, and colleagues, conducted a study which evaluated the difference in responses of children and adults, when informed about their genetic origin. The scientists analyzed the data obtained from anonymously completed online questionnaires by 165 members aged between 13 and 61 years, of the Donor Sibling Registry (a worldwide registry for donors).

The study results showed that, compared to offspring of heterosexual couples, children born to lesbian couples and single mothers received information about their donor conception at an earlier age. It was also noted that the mean age of disclosure was 14 years, with 19% of the offspring knowing about their paternity after the age of 18 years and 30% before three years of age. The study also showed that 38% of the offspring did not recall the exact age of disclosure since they were too young to remember.

Yet another study on donor conception conducted by Golombok et al. (1995), showed no adverse effects on child development or on familial relationships were evidenced when children were made aware of genetic origins at a young age. Yet, a higher incidence of negative feelings was reported among individuals who received information about their origin in adulthood compared to those who were informed about their genetic origin during childhood or adolescence.

In my years of experience working with hundreds of intended parent(s) who have conceived through donor gamete, I have found that many want to share openly with their children, but just don’t know where to begin. Disclosure can be uncomfortable primarily because it was not the pathway to parenthood of choice. I encourage my clients to focus on how fortunate they are to have access to advanced technologies and fertility treatments as well as a special donor who so generously and willingly gave of his/herself to share the essential piece necessary to conceive. This small shift in conjunction with a decisive disclosure plan and the knowledge that the psychological well being of the child and the family bond will not be severed, has enabled so many of my clients to come to the realization, “I am so fortunate today, to have my most wanted child, and so fortunate back then, to have the perfect stranger.”

Information about the Author:

Mindy Berkson’s, advocacy work affords clients an insider’s approach to navigating through the infertility process. Mindy utilizes nationwide resources to develop individualized and comprehensive plans, including relevant insurance and financing information, to help clients make informed decisions. For more information about Lotus Blossom Consulting, LLC, call toll free (877) 881-2685, email consultant@lotusblossomconsulting.com or visit them on the web at

Lessons on Drugs, Sickness and Living Life

I love change. I love how we grow as individuals, when we allow it. Evolving and thinking about things from a different level - a higher perspective - is an incredible thing.

I think about how my thoughts and opinions have changed over the years. My core principles and belief system are steadfast. But how the details play out within those parameters has gained some flexibility, understanding, acceptance and even some appreciation.

I realize that the biggest events in my life in the past decade have taught different lessons in acceptance and connections as humans. My principles and beliefs, when it comes to health, don't need to be black and white. In fact, they don't serve as well when they are so dogmatic.

My first experience with this major shift in thinking occurred when I was pregnant with our first child. After years of studying the healthiest ways to experience pregnancy and give birth, I had created a very clear list of desires for my own pregnancy and childbirth experience. No doctors or nurses, no hospital or birthing center, no drugs, no shots, no fear-based tests, procedures or medical check-ups performed throughout my pregnancy, no inducing, no interference to what is natural... period! (Unless, of course, there was an emergency.)

There were a few more items on my list, but you get the point! I had clearly decided what was going to create the healthiest, safest experience for my baby and me. Thankfully, both our children were born at home, with everything going as nature intended. We were blessed with our experience.

But, not long before my first birth, I attended the birth experience of a dear friend whose child birth "wish list" was very similar to mine. After hours of birthing, her midwife decided that it was the right decision to head to the hospital where my friend ended up having an emergency C-section.

At first, she was distraught. This is not how she had envisioned her perfect birth. After awhile, she realized that the pregnancy and birth were just steps to bring her toward motherhood, and that was the prize! My mind shifted, too. Within reason, no matter what we choose during our pregnancies or birth experiences - whether it's conventional pre-natal care and birth in an operating room, surrounded by medical personnel, or it's the quiet care of a midwife and a nurturing home birth experience - we all become moms. Each mom needs to feel safe and secure in order to have a positive experience.

Yes, there are limitations of matter. There are tests, procedures and mindsets that are statistically proven to be less safe and effective for the mother and baby. But, I don't believe any parent would intentionally make the less safe, less healthy choices if they were aware of all their options. We make the best choices we can with the information available to us at the time, within our personal belief system.

We need to be proactive with our learning and take responsibility to insure the healthiest, safest outcome. Again, the road may look different for each of us, but the destination is the same.

The next big life event that opened my eyes and shifted my thinking happened when my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer 8 years ago. By walking that walk with him, I discovered that cancer, or any other diagnosis, isn't a one-sided thing. Although I knew what treatments were absolutely dangerous and had unproven effectiveness, as well as many approaches that could help him, my eyes were opened to the importance of really hearing a 'patient's' wishes and fears.

Dad ended up choosing a more holistic approach to restoring health and he has done very well overall. In the past couple of years, he has had several medical procedures and treatments that have made me silently cringe and question the sanity of the 'health' authorities-that-be. But I now have a complete understanding, acceptance and respect for each person doing what feels right for them.

He did his homework and he was aware of all his options. What more can you ask for? If the patient feels confident and certain when it comes to their treatment and care, I believe the positive effects are immeasurable. Not all healing looks the same. Sometimes it's hidden behind a prescription bottle!

One of the biggest lessons for me came with my mom's journey with breast cancer. I'm so proud of the grace with which my mom walked her walk during this experience. Our experience with the cancer industry was not positive. But my mom rose above it all. When initially diagnosed, she chose a combination of conventional allopathic treatment as well as more holistic approaches.

She was ridiculed for choosing anything other than allopathic treatment and was ostracized for not following the oncologist's exact recommendations. My mom simply chose to live a high quality of life as long as she could, rather than spend months in the cancer ward receiving endless chemotherapy and radiation. It's a choice. It was her life and HER choice.

She did well and thoroughly enjoyed her life and her family for another couple years before things got really difficult. My mom, more than anyone, knew my heart. She knew how passionately I believe in creating health rather than attacking the body or any symptoms present. It was challenging for her to accept the allopathic treatment approach of drugs and surgery, because creating health and addressing the cause had become part of her belief system as well.

In the end, we had to see things from a different perspective. Although she and my dad and I still held out for a miracle, we knew we were no longer looking for a cure from the drugs she was being prescribed. We had to make the enormous mental, emotional and spiritual transition to creating whatever quality of life was still possible. It wasn't black and white - right and wrong. It was about this one lady, this one family, this one experience... and what it was going to take to give her some comfort and peace for her remaining weeks.

There was no judgment. No regrets. There certainly was some wishing that this had never happened, but we were willing to look at things through different lenses now - from a different paradigm. If there was ever a time to mask the symptoms and cover up the pain, this was it. We weren't trying to fix the cause of the problem anymore. We just wanted to be with mom and she just wanted a little more time to enjoy with us.

I learned that, although I'm not a fan of the misleading information regarding supposed cures and successful treatments being passed along in the cancer industry, that I do support each person's right to choose the approach that gives them the greatest peace of mind. That's giving a person respect and dignity. That's part of healing and living.

Without the drugs, I don't think we would have had those last couple of weeks with mom. Although those were some absolutely brutal days, they were also laced with exquisite moments of love, joy and pure spirit. I don't know if it was the right decision to take the drugs. Only God knows. What I do know is that there are a lot of families that just want a little more time.

My mom's experience taught me that a whole lot of living can take place in a very short period of time. Some people live an exceptional quality of life for only a short time, while others trudge along for a lifetime with no joy, no gratitude and not much quality of life. In mom's dying she taught me how to live.

Most recently, we're back to my dad. A recent bout with some rather life altering arthritis left him with the decision whether or not to take prescription steroids. He had the same concerns I have regarding the inherent dangers of this treatment option. Ultimately, he chose to begin a short stint with steroids to see if he could decrease some pain, restore any mobility and improve his quality of life.

It has been remarkable to see how quickly and thoroughly he is improving, from a symptom stand point. I don't like the idea of steroids, but then again, I don't like the idea of arthritis existing in the first place! And I certainly don't like the idea of my dad being incapacitated in any way.

This most recent experience with dad has demonstrated once again that we will all get to our destination by taking different paths. Some are less eventful than others. Some are more dangerous than others. Some allow you to enjoy the scenery, even though they might be a shorter trip overall. And, there are times when the drive was going along beautifully without any challenges, when things came to an abrupt and sudden conclusion.

We don't know how long we'll be here. We may be diagnosed with something 'big' only to live for many years. Or, we might live a short time... but we can truly enjoy and appreciate that time. For others, there may never be any indication of a health problem, yet tragedy may strike. I think the point is to LIVE life!

If you've been proactively taking steps to create health and happiness with consistency over time, but you've reached a wall due to limitations of matter, then you have some choices to make. Sometimes, that temporary symptomatic approach might be the best approach in order to give your body - and mind and spirit - any true chance of re-creating optimal health and happiness. Who am I to judge?!

I certainly don't recommend this approach or this paradigm as a way of life - creating health through wise lifestyle choices still makes good sense and comes with no negative side effects. But I openly acknowledge that there are times when this allopathic approach might provide options that give the best shot at living life while you're here!

Information about the Author:

Dr. Colleen Trombley ("Dr Mom Online") is a leading Health expert. See why so many turn to her for healthy living, nutrition, exercise, weight loss, raising healthy kids and stress management tips. Request your FREE report revealing Dr. Mom's formula for success at OptimalHealthReport.com

Facts and Information on Tubal Reversal Surgery and IVF

For those women who have had their tubes tied and now longing to have more children there are two options available to them. In this article we will discuss In-vitro fertilization and tubal ligation reversal.

IVF is the general term for In-vitro fertilization and has assisted countless couples who, through various reasons, are unable to have a baby the ‘natural’ way. To describe it easily, an egg is taken from the woman and sperm from the man and the two are put together in a laboratory dish where they are fertilized. This is a form of assisted reproduction. Once the woman’s eggs have been fertilized, the embryo then gets transferred back into the womb and if all goes well a pregnancy will result

IVF is often the last option for many couples due to the costs and energy it involve. Women are offered IVF if their fallopian tubes are blocked, if they have been damaged for some reason and even for those who don’t have fallopian tubes. The success rate of IVF is about 30%. Many times couples have to undergo the treatment more than once before they get a successful. With this method there will be a lot of injections and other medical procedures to endure.

Couples can find plenty of fertility clinics available offering in vitro fertilization infertility treatments. Before a woman decide to go to a fertility clinic there are certain issues to think about: check out the success rate for the method, what technology they use and equipment provided, the expertise of the surgeons and of course how much the procedure will cost you.

If you are feeling over-whelmed by how much there is to do then there is another option available. Tubal reversal surgery is a cost effective procedure and has a high success rate for those women wanting to conceive after they have had their tubes tied. With pregnancy rates averaging 75%, tube reversal surgery is generally more popular than IVF where pregnancy rates average 30% and are be costly for each attempt.

One way to decide whether tubal ligation reversal is the best method for you is to contact a fertility clinic where a specialist will examine your operative report from your tubal ligation. The surgeon will be able to study your operative report from your tubal ligation and let you know how successful reverse tubal procedure would be for your situation.

For women who can’t get hold of their records they can visit a fertility clinic that will carry out a laparoscopy. This will let a surgeon see how healthy your fallopian tubes are and he will be able to estimate if a reversal would be successful. In most cases the fallopian tubes can be re-attached and the operation is successful.

There are a number of factors that will help in your effort at getting pregnant after a reversal procedure. These involve your age, as does any attempt to get pregnant. As you get older your chances of conceiving decrease whether you have had your tubes tied previously or not. Women under the age of 35 invariably find it easier to conceive than those older.

Another reason that might affect a woman’s chances of conceiving is how long ago it was she had the tubal ligation surgery. The longer you wait to have a tubal ligation procedure reversed will significantly reduce your ability to being able to conceive easily. This is due to the longer the time period the more damage will have been caused to your fallopian tubes; this can decrease the chances of the operation being successful.

Whichever option you decide on should depend on your personal circumstances and the advice given by your fertility specialist. For specialists in tubal ligation reversal, look online where you can find answers to most of your questions.

Information about the Author:

Michiel Van Kets provides article services for Dr. Gary Berger, who is widely known as the tubal reversal doctor with the most experience reversing tied tubes and tubal ligation and works in the Chapel Hill Tubal Reversal Center. For information and advice on tube reversal, tubal occlusion and tubal reversal doctors visit the website.